


The Most Popular Shinobi in School

by spageddy



Category: Naruto, The Most Popular Girls in School
Genre: Cursed, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 22:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16900668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spageddy/pseuds/spageddy
Summary: Deidara is a transfer student at Overland Park, where he still has a lot to learn about being popular.





	1. The Shituation

It was a fateful Tuesday at Overland Park. Deidara, a transfer student, was telling a story to his friend Sasori.   
"So then I was all like 'no,' and then he was all like 'you are', and then I was all like 'no but then you are...' So long story short I kind of lost both my arms, yeah."   
"I am so pretty," Sasori observed.   
"You really are! Isn't there like, kunai training today?”   
The two new students failed to notice that they were in a certain someone's usual spot.   
"Excuse me?" said the tough-looking blonde girl who had crept up behind Sasori.    
The red-headed boy turned his head to face her, but didn't say a word. Sasori was a Scorpio, so he was very mysterious.   
"Hello?" the blonde broad spoke again.    
"Who the fuck are you?" Deidara piped in.   
"Who the fuck are you?" she retorted.   
"I asked you first, hm."   
"I asked you second."   
"He's Sasori of the Red Sand, duh. Puppet master, S-rank criminal, part time model, yeah."   
"Oh."   
"Who. The fuck. Are you," demanded Sasori.   
"I'm Deandra," said Deandra.   
"Well Deandra," said Sasori ominously. "Let me tell you how things work here in Overland Park."   
"I already know how things work here in Overland Park!" Deandra yelled. "This is MY school, this is MY chair, and this is ME telling YOU that YOU need to learn your PLACE."   
Sasori chuckled. "Alright then. You can have my spot. But I would be careful if I were you."   
With a sweep of his black trench coat, Sasori was gone, and Deidara was left alone with Deandra.    
_Weird_ , thought Deidara. _It's not like my man Sasori to just give up his seat like that. I remember the last time someone stood up to him like that, Sasori got detention for murder. This girl must be very powerful... Or Sasori has something planned..._   
"Oh hey! Someone left some chips here! Well, finders keepers losers weepers..."    
Deandra's voice snapped Deidara back to reality.    
"Want a chip?" she asked.   
Deidara was just about to seize the morsel when Deandra drew her hand back and shoved the chip in her own mouth. "HA! Just kidding, they're all for me."   
"Actually, they're all for me," said Kakashi sensei, grabbing the bag and throwing it in the trash. "No eating in my class."   
Deandra looked dejectedly at the floor, and Deidara almost felt sorry for her. _Damn, what a rebel_ , he thought.    
"Now class," Kakashi sensei began. "Today we will be discussing the meaning of art. Would anyone like to share their tho--yes, Naruto Uzumaki?"   
"I think art is a big bowl of ramen."   
"Interesting perspective. Is that a hand I see, Saison Marguerite?"   
"How you say, yeah. I think art...is the miracle of birth."   
"What the fuck is wrong with these people," Deidara muttered to himself. "I know art is difficult to comprehend, but still."   
"Did you say something, uh, what's your name?" said Kakashi sensei.   
"It's Deidara," said Deidara. _God, I need to get out of here before I really blow up_ , the blond arsonist thought.   
At that moment, both Deidara and Deandra raised their hands to go to the bathroom.   
"Can I go to the bathroom," they said.   
"Deandra, you can go. Deidara, you can go when Deandra gets back. I know what kinds of things go down in bathrooms," Kakashi said, winking.   
Deandra left and Deidara pouted in his chair.   
"Now, let's get back to the discussion. Sasori, I haven't heard from you."   
The red-haired boy stared unflinchingly into Kakashi sensei's singular visible eye, but didn't say a word.   
_Oh shit, bad idea to call on him like that_ , Deidara thought.   
But then Sasori spoke: "True art is something that lasts forever, never rotting or fading. It's left long into the future. Eternal beauty, that's what art is."   
Then everyone clapped.   
"Great observation, Sasori!" said Kakashi.   
_Shit and fuck_ , thought Deidara. _That's like the opposite of art_. He was really fired up now. Sasori just loved to provoke people, didn't he.   
"Kakashi sensei, I really gotta go! I'm going to EXPLODE!" Deidara screamed.   
Kakashi, not wanting to deal with that shit, allowed Deidara to go.


	2. Art is an Explosion

When Deidara arrived at the bathroom, he encountered two doors, each with some unfamiliar symbols on the front. One sign featured a stick figure, and the other sign had a stick figure whose body was a triangle. Deidara figured that was the bathroom for people who were wearing dresses or cloaks, and he was wearing a cloak, so he went in there.

"Finally I can get some peace of mind, hm," Deidara said to himself.

"What the fuck! Is that a boy's voice!" yelled someone from another stall. A pink-haired girl charged out, fists ripe and ready for a fight.

Sakura Haruno. Deidara had heard of her. She was so strong she once beat up Sasori.

"What are you doing in here, you pervert!" Sakura yelled.

Just as Deidara was about to be pounded into the ground, a tsunami of poop swept the two of them off their feet.

"Ew, gross!" Sakura cried and ran out of the bathroom. Deidara, however, stood still in amazement.

"Who...who did this?" he stammered.

"That would be me," said a familiar voice. It was Deandra.

Deidara ran over to give his hero a big poopy hug. "Deandra...You saved my life!"

"Ah, well, all in a day's work I guess."

 _Wow, now I know why Sasori left this girl alone. She's extremely powerful_ , Deidara thought.

"You're not from around here, are you, Deidara?"

"I just transferred. From Atchison. How did you know?"

"This is the girls' restroom."

"What! No wonder Sakura Haruno got so angry, hm." Deidara smiled. "Well, I saw more art just now than I did all of art class."

"What are you talking about?"

"Art...is an explosion!"

Deidara and Deandra got cleaned up and headed back to class. Kakashi saw them walk in together and rolled his eyes.  _ Ah, young love, there's no stopping it _ , the gray-haired sensei thought to himself.

“Well, that about concludes today’s class,” Kakashi said. “Deidara and Deandra, you came back just in time to get your homework assignment!”

Deidara got his things and ran outside to catch up to Sasori. “Sasori my man, wait up!”

“I don’t like to be kept waiting,” Sasori said.

Deidara growled and clenched his fists.

“You know, your definition of art doesn't really match your impatient personality, hm. Your ‘art’ is supposed to last forever, but you can't even wait for me for a few seconds.”

“You're not art though,” Sasori said.

“Whatever, shithole.” 

_ Hm, speaking of shitholes…  _ “Hey Sasori, that Deandra girl’s pretty powerful, huh?” Deidara asked with a smirk.

Sasori stopped walking. “She's nothing special.”

“You sure gave up your seat to her pretty quickly though…” Deidara gasped. “You have a crush on her!”

Sasori smirked and raised his fist. “No... but I WILL crush her.” With a swish of his cloak, he vanished. 

“Well fuck you then, now I have to walk alone,” Deidara mumbled, and his stomach grumbled. 

_ Fuck I'm hungry _ , he thought, and he went to the vending machine to buy some chips. He got angry just thinking about how Kakashi threw Deandra’s chips away in class. Who knew, she might have shared them with him and then he wouldn't have had to spend his money on the overpriced vending machine chips. Seriously, $2.50 for a bag of Cool Ranch™ Doritos®? Fuck capitalism. 

Just as he was about to insert his dollar in the machine, Deidara was knocked the fuck over by none other than Deandra. “Move over, peon, momma’s hungry.” 

_ The sheer power of that girl...Where does she get it?  _ Deidara wondered as he lied on the floor.

Deandra came Deidara’s way with about $50 worth of chips. “Want one?” she asked.

“Yeah, thanks,” Deidara said, reaching out for a bag.

“BITCH you thought!” Deandra hollered, swiping them away. 

“Come on, you’re really gonna eat all those chips?” Deidara asked incredulously. 

“Uh, yeah, that’s why I bought em.”

“Is that where all your powers come from?” Deidara asked.

“Powers?” Deandra asked, perplexed.

“Your incredible strength!”

“Oh. Well, you see…” Deandra held out her right arm.

“Why are you holding out your arm?” Deidara asked.

“What, you don’t notice anything...different...about it?”

“Uhh, you got a farmer’s tan?”

“No.”

“You have a tattoo?”

“No you dumbass, I have a fucking robotic arm.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Deidara said, processing this information. “But that doesn’t explain how you were able to cause such a massive diarrheal explosion earlier.”

Deandra looked off into the distance, a grim look on her face. “That’s the thing...I don’t know how I did it either.”


	3. Rest in Peas

As Deidara rounded the corner on his way to art class the next day, he was blocked by a huge crowd of students, the police, and several news reporters. 

“The fuck is going on here?” Deandra said, coming up behind Deidara. 

“No idea,” he replied. “I can’t get through.”

“Allow me,” Deandra said, wielding her robo arm. “Scuse me, pardon me…”

Deidara followed behind her. The crowd parted like the red sea, and in the middle of the red sea...was another red sea. Of blood.

“LUNCH LADY BELINDA!” came Deandra’s agonized scream. She collapsed on the floor and started caressing the dead cafeteria lady’s grimy black hair.

“Oh Belinda, sweet Belinda,” Deandra cooed. “Who would do such a thing to you? All you ever did was make tater tots, you were Overland Park’s humble servant. And they made you a martyr, for what cause? This was a woman with dreams, with ambitions. This woman wanted to go to Paris, this woman dreamed of giving a blowjob to a mall Santa. And now look at her, she’s a corpse, she’s a red Sourpatch kid in a puddle of Kool-Aid. From now on, Belinda, I will be your hands, your eyes, your feet. I will go to Paris for you. I will eat the cafeteria food until I contract salmonella and return to you in the next life. I’ll even suck Santa’s dick if I have to.” Deandra stood up, blood on her face, rage in her eyes. “I don’t know what exactly has transpired in this wretched hell you call a school, but I swear to Jesus, Belinda, whoever did this to you will feel my wrath.”

“I think you mean  _ what _ killed her, Deandra,” said Deidara. “Look what she’s holding.”

Belinda had in her grip the chips Kakashi had thrown away yesterday, and she had crumbs on her face. 

“You mean...Lunch Lady Belinda was allergic to chips?!” Deandra said.

“No,” said a police detective. “These chips were poisoned. The real question is, why was Belinda eating chips from the trash?”

“That’s easy,” said Deandra. “She would always complain that educational employees weren’t paid enough, so sometimes she had to scavenge meals from what was left behind in the trash at the end of the day. Oh god. I miss her so much.”

“You’re Deandra, huh?” the police detective said. “Kakashi told me that those were  _ your _ chips, which makes you a suspect. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come with me.”

Things were starting to come together in Deidara’s mind. The chips, the poop, it was all connected. “Wait!” said Deidara. “I sat next to Deandra in class yesterday. She ate some of those chips, and wouldn’t even give me any. And then later she covered the entire girls’ restroom in sloppy diarrhea shit from food poisoning. Deandra’s a victim, too. Whoever poisoned those chips, it wasn’t her.”

“Compelling story,” said the cop. “But what were you doing in the girls’ restroom? That’s almost as illegal as murder.”

“Mr. Officer, leave my students alone,” said Kakashi, emerging from the crowd. “It was my mistake. I let him go. Has this tragedy not softened your heart at all? Surely you can find it in yourself to forgive these children, who are simply trying to find their way on the path of life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a class to teach.”

Kakashi’s students filed into the classroom somberly, and gradually the crowd of students dissipated into their own classrooms. Outside it was raining, and inside it was raining the tears of the little blonde girl with the robotic arm.


	4. Sasori is a Big Dick

“Good afternoon, class,” Kakashi began. “I hope the dead body in the front of the classroom doesn’t distract you too much. Now if I recall, you all have paintings that were due today. Today has been quite hectic and I think we need to take it easy, so I won’t be collecting them. Instead, we are going to have an art critique. Everyone get out what you have, and we will all give you feedback.”

A kid in sunglasses pulled his out first. 

“That’s quite a painting, Than,” Kakashi commented. “Does anyone have anything to say about it?”

A pale kid in a crop top raised his hand. “It looks like a giant penis. Perhaps Jonathan is compensating for something?”

“It’s just Than, Sai, it’s just Than. It’s actually an expressionist painting of you, you big dick.”

“Let’s just...move on,” said Kakashi. “Saison Marguerite, what do you have?”

“It is a picture of my future, how you say, baby.”

“Alright then. Comments, anyone? Sasori, I haven’t heard from you yet.”

Sasori’s hair blew in the wind, even though they there was no wind and they were indoors. He slowly looked up at Saison’s painting, then back down again. Finally, not lifting his gaze, he spoke: “The execution is nearly flawless, exactly the quality I would expect to come out of France, if you’re even from there. The lifelike form and details on the infant’s face make it look like a snapshot from reality.”

“Why thank you, how you say, Sasori,” Saison said.

“However,” Sasori said, the lights dimming. “Art is something that will last forever, but that baby, it won’t. Snapshots are gone in an instant. That baby’s face will change, it will grow up, and eventually it too will succumb to the fate that awaits all humans. The only permanent thing in this life...is death.”

“You’re so full of shit I bet you’re constipated and haven’t pooped for days!” Deidara exclaimed. 

Sasori smirked. “Always so quick to blow up. Let’s see what you have then.”

Deidara pulled out his piece, a sculpture of a bird.

“A sculpture, really?” Sasori scoffed. “The assignment was to make a painting, you pinhead.”

In the back corner a student whispered, “Oops,” and discreetly poured his sand art back into his backpack.

Deidara laughed. “It’s not just a sculpture. It’s made of explosive clay, and at my will I can make it blow up. Art is an exp--HEY!”

Kakashi swiftly diffused the bomb by using his water-style jutsu.  _ Boy, the death of a faculty member and a bomb threat in the same day? Will I ever get a break? _ the gray-haired ninja thought. 

“That’s  _ enough _ , you two,” Kakashi said. “Both of you are entitled to your own opinions. However, I won’t allow this kind of violence in my classroom. Sasori, stop provoking Deidara. And Deidara, your stubbornness will be the death of you. If you refuse to do the projects I assign, I’ll have to fail you.”

Deidara felt personally attacked. Art was his favorite subject, but that day, he couldn’t wait to get out of there.


	5. Deidara Joins the Cheer Squad

Deidara didn’t want to talk to Sasori after class, so he headed out on his own. 

“Hey, wait up!” said Deandra, and Deidara stopped walking. “Thanks for saving my ass earlier, I’m too young to go to jail.”

“Hm,” said Deidara.

“You okay there, buddy?”

“I’m depressed.”

“Oh. Well I gotta blast, I just joined the cheer squad.”

“Cheer squad? Is that some sort of criminal organization?”

“Basically,” said Deandra.

Besides going in the girls’ bathroom, Deidara  hadn’t committed any crimes since he got suspended from his old school, and he was having serious withdrawals. “How do I join?” he asked, some of his usual enthusiasm back in his voice.

Deandra laughed. “As long as you’re breathing they’ll let you in. They’re desperate. After Ashley Katchedourian left they came begging for me to join, and with all the drama going on, they’ll probably need another replacement soon.”

\--

“What do you MEAN, you QUIT?” yelled a blonde cheerleader as Deidara and Deandra arrived at the field for practice.

“Looks like it’s your lucky day, Deidara,” said Deandra.

Blinded by white hot rage, the cheerleader didn’t even notice them. “Jenna Dapananian, you good for nothing SLUT. Have you no loyalty? No allegiance to the people who made you as popular as you are today? After everything we did for you, after everything we’ve been through, you decide to abandon us in our darkest hour?”

“Yeah I  just feel kinda left out sometimes, so uh, yeah. Sorry guys,” said Jenna Dapananian, walking away.

The angry cheerleader screamed and started punching dents into the bleachers. “I could just MURDER her!”

“I could do that for you,” said Deidara. 

“Who the fuck are you?” said the blonde bitch.

“My name is Deidara. I want to join the cheer squad.”

“What does this look like, some sort of charity organization that gives popularity handouts to any old pariah?”

“Jesus, Brittany, calm down,” said a different cheerleader. “We just lost another member, we can’t afford to reject people like that.” She turned to the new arrivals. “Deidara, is it? I’m Mackenzie Zales, head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part-time model. Welcome to the cheer team...for now.”

 


	6. Ribs for Lunch Tomorrow

After Brittany calmed down and everyone finished getting ready, Mackenzie Zales called everyone together so practice could start.

“Alright sluts, listen up,” the raven-haired cheerleader said. “Since we have two new members, we’re going to work on a more basic formation. You’ll be working in teams of three--two bases to lift up one flyer. Team One will be Saison Marguerite, Trisha, and Trisha 2. Team Two will be Brittany Matthews, Deidara, and Deandra. And Team Three...Well shit, we only have enough people for two teams. I guess I’ll just sit back and watch everyone fuck up.”

The groups broke off and began discussing their strategies. 

“I’m more popular than both you serfs combined, so I think I should be flyer,” said Brittany Matthews as soon as the three of them were together. “Deandra, you have that robotic arm, so you should be strong enough to support me with Deidara’s help. Deidara, why are you still wearing that big ass coat? It’s like a brazilian degrees outside.”

“Um, I have fucking prosthetic arms and I’m self-conscious about them? Bitch,” said Deidara.

“Damn, you got yours ripped off too?” said Deandra. “And here I thought the 2nd Amendment said we had the right to bear arms...Fucked up.”

“If you two don’t shut the fuck up I’ll punch you so hard you’ll have to get prosthetics for your prosthetics. Lift me up, sluts!” Brittany ordered.

The group assembled, and Brittany grabbed Deidara’s hand to pull herself up. However, she recoiled in horror at how wet it was. “What the FUCK, Deidara, did you lick your hand?”

“No, I think my hand licked  _ you _ ,” he said, holding out his hand. It had a mouth on it.

“Why the FUCK do your hands have mouths on them?”

“So they can taste,” he replied.

“Damn, what prosthetic store did you get those from?” said Deandra. “I’m jealous, you can eat three times as much food in a third of the time.”

“More like he can give three times as many blowjobs,” scoffed Brittany. “Are you trying to one-up me, Deidara? You’re fucking pathetic. I gave a handjob to every boy in Overland Park. Face it, no matter how hard you try you’ll never top that.”

Deidara was starting to get pissed off. “The only blowjobs I do are blowing stuff the fuck up!” he said. One of his mouth hands spit out a ball of detonating clay, which he threw at Brittany.

Brittany cartwheeled out of the way just in time, but the bomb took another casualty. The dust cleared, and parts of Saison Marguerite’s body littered the field.

“It’s just like Sasori predicted in art class,” said Deandra. “Saison’s baby is dead as fuck.”

Along with the blood and guts, there were also several strands of black hair littered on the field. Mackenzie Zales’s hair. The impact of what just happened had activated her alopecia and was causing her hair to fall out like leaves in autumn.

“Oh. My god. Saison Marguerite is dead. She's dead and you killed her, Deidara. Do you know what this means?? It means we could all go to jail. Even worse. It means another member of the cheer squad we have to replace, and we are running out of fucking replacements.”

“Good riddance if you ask me,” said Brittany Matthews, picking herself up off the ground. “I never wanted that stupid cunt on this cheer squad anyway. ‘How you say’ this, ‘how you say’ that. If you ask me, I'm relieved to be, how you say, FREE from Saison fucking Marguerite and the stupid little baby growing inside her stupid little uterus. Deidara, you've earned my respect.” 

“Brittany, don't you get it?” Mackenzie said, choking back the knot in her throat. “There's only one person left who would even join the cheer team at this point. If we don't let Shay Van Buren join the cheer squad, we’ll be down another member. If we let her in, she'll warp what this entire organization stands for. We may have killed Saison, but she's taking the cheer team down with her.”

“Fuck the cheer team, there's fucking human body parts lying around everywhere,” Deandra said. “I’ve already been convicted of murder once today, and that's not gonna happen again. Who's gonna help me hide this body?”

The cheer team solemnly collected Saison’s remains and threw them in the trashcan outside the cafeteria. Deandra told them that was usually where the cafeteria ladies gathered their ingredients for lunch the next day. The body would then be completely disposed of, and there wouldn't be any wasted food either. 

It started to rain, washing the blood off the scene of the crime. But no amount of rain could wash the blood out of the cheer team’s consciences, or clear their minds of the promise of impending doom.


	7. The Ultimatum

One of the rules of being on the cheer squad was that they had to sit together for lunch.  _ I hope my man Sasori doesn’t feel lonely without me,  _ thought Deidara as he stood in the lunch line with the girls.

“Shit on a stick!” hissed Brittany Matthews as she reached the front of the line. The whole venue had been turned into a giant Ichiraku’s Ramen Shop. “They’ve gone TOO far this time…”

“Now with vegan options?!” Deandra gasped in horror. “This is a high school cafeteria, why the fuck are there vegan options? There’s no way this Ichiraku dickhole can replace Lunch Lady Belinda.”

“Actually, it looks like he can,” said Mackenzie Zales grimly. Everyone was raving about the new chefs in town. Naruto Uzumaki had already ordered 8 bowls. “This is a tragedy for popular people everywhere.”

“I don't get it!” said Deidara as they all sat down. “Why’s the menu change so bad? And who's that Shay Van Buren bitch anyway? Is there something I don't know about?”

Mackenzie Zales took a deep breath and clasped her hands together. “It's time you learn the truth about how things work around here in Overland Park. Trisha, will you fill him in?”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Trisha, clearing her throat. “In the beginning, there was only darkness. Then God said, ‘Let there be popularity.’ God saw that the popularity was good, and he separated the popularity from the darkness. God called the popularity ‘preps,’ and the darkness he called ‘goths.’ And then came 5:00pm and God clocked out and went home--the first day.

“And God said, ‘Let there be a vault to separate the smart from the dumb.’ So God made the vault and separated the smart from the dumb. God called the smart ‘nerds,’ and the dumb he called ‘jocks.’ And then came 5:00pm and God clocked out and went home--the second day.

“Then God said, ‘Let there be a cafeteria, which shall produce foods of various kinds,’ and it was so. And God saw that it was good. Then came 5:00pm and God clocked out and went home--the third day.

“And God said, ‘Let there be bells in all the classrooms to separate class time from break time,’ and it was so. He also made fire drills and earthquake drills for the safety of his beloved children. And God saw that it was good. Then came 5:00pm and God clocked out and went home--the fourth day.

“And God said, ‘Let there be cockroaches,’ for no apparent reason besides that he wanted to fuck with us. But God thought they were good. God blessed them and said, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the classrooms with your offspring.’ Then came 5:00pm and God clocked out and went home--the fifth day.

“Then God said, ‘Let us make cheerleaders in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the students at Overland Park.’ God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be popular and increase in number; fill the school and subdue it. Rule over the goths, the preps, the jocks and the nerds. I give you every variety of Doritos and every undercooked corndog in the cafeteria. They will be yours for food.’ And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And then came 5:00pm and God clocked out and went home--the sixth day.

“And on the seventh day God still wasn’t finished yet. God just said, ‘Fuck it,’ and clocked out early so he could get home in time to watch the big game with the boys.” Trisha took a deep breath. “And that’s how America was founded.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Not  _ that _ story, Trisha,” said Mackenzie Zales.

“Oh. Right. Sorry,” said Trisha, and continued with the right story. “Goths. Preps. Jocks. Nerds. My grandmother used to tell me stories about the old days, a time of peace when the cheerleaders kept balance between the four subcultures. But all that changed when the hipsters attacked. Only the cheerleaders mastered all four groups of students. Only they could stop the ruthless hipsters. But when Overland Park needed them most, they all quit the team. Two months have passed and the hipsters are nearing victory in the war. The fate of Overland Park now rides on the shoulders of the cheer squad. In times like these, we need as many cheerleaders as possible to keep the great evil at bay, even if that means accepting an ugly bitch like Shay Van Buren into our ranks.”

“Exactly,” said Mackenzie Zales. “The hipsters want to change the whole social system, making cool things uncool and vice versa. Deidara, now that I’ve seen what you’re capable of, I’d like to offer you an official spot on the cheer team. Will you stand with us, the noble defenders of Overland Park? Will you join the fight against hipsterism and protect popular people everywhere??”

“Yeah, sure,” said Deidara.

"Hiiiiiiii," interrupted a brunette with pigtails. The cheer squad all stared at her, and Deidara felt the tension. Mackenzie Zales was shedding everywhere. Brittany snapped her fork in half. It was a metal fork.

_ Who the fuck is that... _ Deidara wondered.

The pigtailed girl crossed her arms over chest. “Well? Aren’t you even going to acknowledge me?”

Mackenzie Zales narrowed her eyes. “Shay Van Buren. Just what the fuck do you want?”

“I’m here to take over the position of head cheerleader,” Shay Van Buren said confidently.

Mackenzie laughed. “How are you supposed to do that when you’re too ugly to even be on the team?”

“Well, I know that the cheerleaders always sit together, and I noticed Saison Marguerite isn’t with you today...That means you’re looking for another replacement. Face it, Mackenzie, you need me. Everyone else has been brainwashed by the hipsters, nobody wants to join this shitty cheer squad the way it is now. Make me head cheerleader, and I’ll return Overland Park to what it once was. Don’t forget, I’m rich. I can do things for the cheer program you proles couldn’t even dream of.”

“The thing is,” said Mackenzie, “Deidara here surpasses both Jenna Dapananian and Saison Marguerite in terms of skill and mouths. He more than makes up for what we lost from those two. We’ll  _ never  _ need you on this team, Shay Van Buren. Not now, not ever.”

“Let’s stop playing games here, Mackenzie,” Shay fired back, her tone darkening. “I know what happened at yesterday’s cheer practice. If you don’t make me head cheerleader, I’ll tell Principal Tsunade that the cheer team is responsible for the death of Saison Marguerite.”

A look of horror crossed Mackenzie’s face. “What?! How did you--we hid the body and everything!”

“I was there the whole time. I knew Jenna Dapananian was going to quit, so I planned on coming to cheer practice to take her spot. What I didn’t count on was  _ this _ guy showing up too,” Shay said, flipping her pigtails towards Deidara. “Anyway, I decided to stay hidden and watch the whole practice to figure out the team’s weaknesses, of which I observed many. After Deidara blew up Saison Marguerite, I had everything I needed… So, Mackenzie, what’s it gonna be?”

"Well, I guess I have no choice," Mackenzie said through gritted teeth. The balding cheerleader turned to her squad, the look of defeat on her face. "Behold, your new Overland Park head cheerleader."

Shay Van Buren smiled. "I'll see you ladies at practice, then."


	8. Team Bonding

It was time for cheer practice. “It’s time for cheer practice, bitches,” said Shay Van Buren. “Oh also, I got us a new coach.”

“Shay, we’ve never even had a coach,” hissed Mackenzie Zales. “We’re cheerleaders, we govern ourselves.”

“Oh please, that’s just because you broke bitches couldn’t afford one,” said Shay. “Everyone, meet your new coach, Guy sensei.”

“Uhhh, I don't see a coach anywhere,” Trisha 2 said. “Wait, what the--”

“DYNAMIC ENTRY!” Guy sensei hollered, jumping down from a tree branch and knocking Trisha 2 out with a boot to the head. “Do you see me now?” Guy said, flashing his sparkly teeth and swishing his shiny black bowl cut.

“Of course she doesn't see you, she's fucking unconscious!” Brittany growled.

“I guess you're right,” Guy said, scratching his head. 

“I thought you were going to  _ help _ the cheer team, Shay, not give us all concussions,” said Mackenzie Zales bitterly.

“What is with your attitudes?” Guy said. “We’ll never be young like this again! Let's show Overland Park what cheerleading is all about. First order of business...new uniforms!” He pulled out several green jumpsuits that matched his own.

“I would not be caught dead wearing that,” said Mackenzie, and everyone else seemed to be in agreement. Everyone except Trisha 1, who had already changed into and embraced the new garb.

“Come on guys, it's not a uniform if we don't all wear it,” said Guy.

“Fuck that and fuck you,” said Brittany. Everyone nodded, including Shay Van Buren.

“I’ve had it with this buffoon,” said Deidara, grabbing some detonating clay and tossing it at Guy sensei, who gracefully somersaulted out of the way.

“Yes, Deidara!” encouraged Guy sensei. “Let the power of youth explode!”

_ This isn’t going to work, he’s too fast,  _ thought Deidara. _ We’ve got to work together if we want to get rid of him.  _

“Here, catch!” Deidara yelled, tossing a clay ball to Mackenzie Zales. He passed more to Brittany, Trisha, and Deandra. Together, they bombed the fuck out of Guy sensei.

When the dust cleared, they saw that the cheer coach was still alive, but barely. Even still, he had a smile on his face. “This was *cough* exactly what I *cough* wanted to teach you,” he sputtered. “The importance of *cough* *cough* teamwork…”

“Oh my fucking God, I can’t believe you just killed him,” said Shay Van Buren. “We’re going to go to jail.”

“Yeah right,” said Mackenzie. “You said it yourself, you’re rich. If we got caught you could just bail us out.”

The cheer team all gave each other high fives. Even though none of them liked the cheer coach, they had to admit Shay Van Buren was right about one thing: having a coach really strengthened their teamwork while it lasted. The cheer team had gotten better and killing people and hiding the bodies, essential cheerleading skills for the Overland Park squad.

Then Shay Van Buren did something totally crazy. She went over to Trisha 2, who was still lying unconscious from Guy’s boot to the head, and she started beating the shit out of her. 

“Shay...what the fuck?” said Mackenzie Zales calmly.

“The cheer team is already responsible for 2 deaths, what's one more? Besides, if Trisha 2 is dead too, we can claim Guy Sensei killed her and we feared for our lives so we had to kill him. That way I won't have to waste my money bailing you sluts out of jail.”

“But Shay,” said Mackenzie dumbfoundedly. “Trisha 2 is our teammate! And there's no more good replacements in this whole goddamn school!”

Shay Van Buren laughed sinisterly. “Oh, you really think Trisha 2 is loyal to Overland Park’s cheer squad? She's a transfer student from our number one rival, Atchison. I swear, you all are so naive. No wonder you're losing the battle against the hipsters, you're being attacked from the inside. Wake up and smell the deception, Mackenzie. Your sweet Trisha 2 is nothing more than an Atchison spy.” 

With that, Shay Van Buren stabbed Trisha 2 through the heart.


End file.
